I want to understand why life has been so hard for me.?

I have so many problems with people. I went a little nuts when I was in my teen years and hurt my family. I was a druggie, runaway etc... That was 30 years ago and I have changed I am married and intelligent and am pursing a degree and have had great jobs yet, none of them want to see me. I don't understand why I lose jobs so often. I can't seem to get a grip on keeping them. I just got laid off because of a buy out and last in first out status caused me to be jobless. I can't pay my mortgage this month and my credit hit bottom this year because of my employment problems. I am so unhappy and even if I took psychotropic drugs it wouldn't change the facts. I am a survivor but not by choice, it is engrained in me I suppose. I never stop trying but I am so tired of trying. I have married 4 times and all of them abusive. I gained weight because the comfort of food masked the pain. Now, I am praying that God takes me away. What is your comment? I would like to know. Latent millionaire